October 24, 2015

A day in life

Once again I am on the verge of losing it all. Once again I feel like I am not worth a penny. Once again I find myself useless. Once again, all over again.

I try to test myself and go a step further to achieve what I aim for. I push it beyond my reach, I stretch beyond my flexibility. I think about it day in and day out. I do too much to get there but somehow that’s not enough. That’s not enough and deep down, I know it isn't.

At times I know I'm aspiring too much. I know I am hoping for stars when all I am capable of reaching is clouds. I know this and when I fail, I feel sad. Morose. I shouldn't, ideally. I shouldn't because I knew all along I was wishing extravagantly. But, possibly, because I tried pushing my limits for this one, because I stretched a bit for this one, because I dared to aspire this one, I feel sad. I feel sad and lost. Sad and lost and useless. Why did I lose at it, after all? Was it because I did not know enough? Or because I did not push enough? Or was it just because I knew and accepted I am incapable?

Whatever it was, it shouldn't reach the doors of my mind and even if it does, my brain shouldn't let it enter. It shouldn't let it enter and litter the whole place.





Why does it do what it does to me, this losing thing? Is this the price of aspiring too high? Or is this just the price of giving up? Why does it cast such a thick shadow of sadness upon me? I know I am better than a lot out there. I know there are more people than I think there are. May be it’s not about others then. May be it’s just about myself. May be the idea of failing or, let me say, the idea of assuming the failure even before trying is the one that kills. May be the knowledge of how unknowledgeable I am burns the heart? May be this doesn't let me push enough. And most of the time, not all this, but these ‘May be’ hinders it all. This thought of not knowing my capabilities, my forte, my weakness, my potential.

At times I look around and find a few people who trigger this line of thought which starts with ‘How can they be so happy and content?’ The essay after this thought goes like: What are they so satisfied about? Don’t they know how petty they are? How petty and insufficient they are, just like I am? Don’t they realize they are taking their life nowhere? Don’t they know they’ll die soon with nothing left to remember them from later? Don’t they know they are doing nothing good to the society, to humanity or even themselves, for that matter?

After having choked myself with these thoughts, a concluding thought strikes with a modesty of the likes of rain after scorching summers. It strikes humbly but lingers around the corners of my brain for days. The thought says, ‘They are happy because they took the easier path, they don't think so much’. They don’t think so much or don’t know this much or just don’t care enough.

At times like such, the Latin proverb, immediately makes its existence felt. It pops out from the back of my brain and smugly say:

He Spends The Happiest Life Who Knows Nothing

Now! the question is, would you live a happy life or a meaningful one? The question is, even after living a purposeful life, will the knowledge of insufficiency always haunt the kinds of us? The question is, are there really no intersections between a happy life and a purposive life? The question is, even if there were, will we ever touch those lands? Will we ever sail in those seas? Will we ever fly in those liberating winds?

5 comments:

  1. I would say, go ahead, be afraid, but don't worry much about the failure. Because it's OK to fail. It's OK to fail as many times as you want. At the end you have to succeed only once.

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    Replies
    1. At the end, we have to succeed just once.
      At the end, we have to succeed just once.
      Roger that !
      Thanks Kunal

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  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course it isn't the end. It's just the beginning. It's a new start. Keep supporting, dear friend. Thanks :)

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  3. Hey, each time that we fall down, we have two choices - stay down, or push ourselves back up and keep going. And it's our choice that defines who we are :) So keep on going and soon you'll be "flying in those liberating winds"..
    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete

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